My dreams are keeping me up at night. I find myself sitting up at almost four in the morning, going over them. Going over my life. Analyzing every decision I’ve made in the last year. The year before. When I was 18. When I was 15. I can’t do anything about that now.
Somehow I’ve forgiven myself for my teenage years, but after 18, I still feel culpable.
I could go back to my hunger strikes. I’d fit in more with my peers.
Why is my life ruled by men and bad decisions? Or the lack of decisions. Avoiding decisions. It’s easier not to think about it.
I told him it was easier for me not to think about things. Later he mocked me mercilessly.
Later still, when I gave up on trying to get an apology, or even a hint of remorse from him, I brought it up again. I told him how I can’t think about some things. It drives me crazy. Not thinking about it is how I can function in daily life. He told me that wasn’t very mature.
The irony in this, him telling me what is and isn’t mature, would have been funny, if I wasn’t near tears. I didn’t say anything else.
And now I sit in the early morning hours, with my pointless repinings, thinking about all the things that I can only keep pushed back for so long.
Would you like to read a blog post about all of my crippling insecurities?
Here are some of them:
- Valentine’s Day
- The worry that I care too much about Valentine’s Day
- The worry that I don’t care enough about Valentine’s Day
- The worry that maybe I am worried that I don’t care enough about Valentine’s Day because I am a cold, hardened, bitter person, so I force myself to care about it
- The worry that by forcing myself to care about Valentine’s Day, I care too much about it, thus exposing my sensitive, fleshy heart to the cold, hardened world.
- The worry that other people will know that I have a sensitive, fleshy heart
- The worry that I care more about other people knowing I am hurt than the actual fear of being hurt-
Which brings me back to: - The worry that I am a cold, hardened, bitter person, forcing myself to care about something stupid.
- The worry that I will be disappointed because I am forcing myself to care about something stupid
- The worry that I set myself up for disappointment, and therefore, all of the above is no one’s fault but my own.
tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?
Tumblrbot.
IN WHICH I REBLOG MYSELF.
If you are confused about my usernames, read this and become even more confused.
Okay, so, my Tumblr blog. Right?
I’m Jenny Young. And my default blog has been jenny-young.tumblr.com
And THIS blog is jennyyoung.tumblr.com
The reason for this is when I first signed up for tumblr I didn’t understand it. I had a blog called Text Messages From My Mom (When Parents Text? Pshh. I totally thought of that shit first) and the username was Momtexts. Then I forgot about the blog and abandoned it.
Then I decided I wanted to use Tumblr like a real person so I created another blog under the same email, which is the jennyyoung tumblr you are reading right now. And I started posting under it. And I followed people. It was fun.
Then people started following me, and I realized that it was confusing for them when they tried to follow me back after I followed them, and the other way, too, because I posted under a different name than the one that came up as me following. And I couldn’t switch which blog was my default. And it was horrible.
Then I realized you can change the username for each blog! But I had already been using THIS blog for so long that I couldn’t just switch to the other one. So I changed the name of the other one to jenny-young in an attempt to make things less confusing.
They are still confusing.
But I just changed the name of the other one AGAIN, (now it’s fakejennyyoung,) in anticipation of a new Tumblr project, which might be really boring.
I’m going to use it to post my writing, (because my intentions have always been to be a REAL LIVE writer) and just generally boring stuff that isn’t really in the spirit of Blog Party (the title of this blog.)
So anyway. That’s my long and boring, diluted, confusing story about Tumblr names. I will let y’all know when fakejennyyoung (but it’s really me!) starts writing things.
